Unless you’ve been living under a rock or are too young to remember the early 90’s, you’ve probably heard of and maybe even enjoyed some “you might be a redneck” jokes. Based in truth, Jeff Foxworthy pointed out distinctive redneck habits that essentially served as a humorous guide to help gauge an individual’s level of redneckedness. Like rednecks, ranch kids have their own set of quirky tendencies, traits, and skill sets.
Because I currently have first-hand experience with this special breed of youngster, I have observed said quirky tendencies, traits, and skill sets and come up with the following humorous guide.
You might be raising ranch kids if…
Atop their list of priorities is riding their horses. If they had their way they’d ride rain, shine, sleet or snow from dawn ’til dusk every. single. day.
They are able to fall asleep anywhere – on bags of chicken feed, on the ground in the shade of a pickup after a long day of vaccinating, seriously – anywhere.
At the ripe old age of five, they have a firm grasp of reproduction. Because – breeding season. It is a sort of jaw floor moment when you first learn of their knowledge on the birds and the bees. But then – then, you remember bulls, breeding season, and the countless hours they spent in the pasture with you.
Spotting “their” calves in a herd of nearly 700 head of pairs is no big deal. It’s ranch kid Where’s Waldo. And they are the champions.
They have a never-ending supply of new, unique names for each calf they claim. And they correct you when you call their calves by the wrong names.
It is imperative that you keep close tabs on them when you go to town because they will drop trow and pee outside. You also feel it necessary to warn anyone who might take them out in public, and any innocent bystanders, about their tendency to err on the side of public urination.
There is legitimate distress and concern expressed in the form of a full on flailing tantrum, when they do not get to rise and shine at the butt crack of dawn to go to work with whichever parent left without them. Note to self: Do not try to be nice and let them sleep in…
They lick any salt block in sight, they will lick it. Every. single. time.
They eat sweet feed like candy. They just can’t resist the goodness of the molasses-covered oats and corn.
Toads, turtles, frogs, snakes, grasshoppers, crickets, and lady-bugs are what they consider to be ideal house pets. And you have likely found one of the previously mentioned “ideal pets” crawling, slithering, hopping, or worse, dried-up in your house…
All joking and public urination aside, these kids also come equipped with bigger hearts and stronger work ethic than displayed by most adults, myself included. But if you’ve determined that you are in fact the parent of a bonafide ranch kid, then you already knew that.